Baba Ramdev ke liye

I love Baba Ramdev. He reminds me so much of my childhood days. When I was a kid, with my amygdala still working, I had some zeal and that was to cure the world of its owes. I figured out that tuberculosis and cancer were the deadliest diseases (AIDS then was a misspelt version of what we used to get from first world countries, and malaria could be prevented by slapping). So I took cheap digestive liquids from railway dispensary, mixed it with paste of hibiscus flower and added some water. Here was my elixir of life which I tested on my family for cyto-toxicity. Satisfied I would stack up bottles of these and proudly talk about this achievement to my father’s friends; and they would not laugh as a sign of respect to my innocence. To add to my list I would claim to have found new planets, go on hunting trips with a toy gun, and of course make prophesies.

Ramdev shows the same traits. He is like a kid suddenly exposed to the possibilities of the world. He speaks of capital punishment, Gandhi, cure for AIDS, poverty and what not. Stung by the zeal of a kid, he has often strayed from his area of specialization and has been rebuked as a result. He has become the proverbial monkey with a typewriter. But here are the real issues he must focus on (and he must stick to yoga):

1. Teach Indian batsmen some yoga tricks which may help them play the short ball
2. Find cure for more pressing problems for his target segment- the Gujarati middle aged women, and I am talking of acidity, arthritis and constipation, not AIDS
3. Teach Shahid and Kareena yoga tricks to kiss in a less disgusting way
4. Teach the populace how not to hurt oneself while passing money below the table to a corrupt babu
5. Help Mumbaikars suck in their paunch for some more space in the local trains
6. Teach Delhiites yoga tricks to break sealing of unauthorized shops and reassemble it when the police are back
7. Teach our neighboring Bangladeshi ways to cross over the barb-wire fence without tearing their lungis
8. Teach some stretching exercises to Sunny Deol and Sanjay Dutt to improve their dancing
9. Teach Indians how to count chickens before they hatch along with Yoga breathing exercises (yes, Arindam Chowdhury’s lessons have become invalid after the bird-flu pogroms, fresh perspective is needed)