Come lord, invest in thy kingdom

Every emerging economy is out with the begging bowl to seek foreign investment. They run full page adverts in even magazines like Vogue, make their heads of states kowtow to low level executives in global companies and sometimes in their zeal announce mega deals even if they are not actually sanctioned (Dayanidhi Maran-Intel episode). But with so many countries begging with the equally earnest faces in such times of global recession, it has become difficult for these hyper-competitive economies to attract investors. So out of my famed kindness, I decided to prepare an elevator sales pitch for countries to distinguish themselves.

Come invest in our region.

Our country offers an extremely stable political atmosphere. Our legislators have recently voted to restore monarchy. The monarch would also be provided with the best healthcare in the word to ensure policy stability for at least the next 80 years.

And what can we say about our own labor force? They are so well suited to your company’s needs. After all, as part of our manpower development programs, we have made it compulsory to cane students for 10 minutes everyday to train them to bloom into servile well-rounded worker bees.

Our country offers excellent infrastructure, around the areas where you plan to set up your office. We have undertaken ambitious plans to set up high walls so that our slums are not visible to your company’s executives as they commute from their homes to your offices.

Our country also has a very favorable regulatory regime. We have proven track record of never pursuing any litigation against foreign owned corporations.

We also understand that your company and your employees are special. As such, we have established special economic zones where our laws don’t apply. These special economic zones are also well provisioned with the best liquor and women from our country to satisfy your employee’s needs.

And one final word about the great cultural similarities shared between your and my countries. After all, we both originated from Africa a few hundred thousand years ago. To build on to that, we have modified our English syllabus to incorporate the latest innovations by Denzel Washington instead of persisting with that Samuel Johnson. Accordingly, we have made it compulsory that every textbook used in our schools have at least three instances of the word “Motherf*****” in all their sentences.

So yes, motherf*****, come invest your motherf****** money in our motherf****** country.