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Monday, November 13, 2006

The need for new Bond gadgets

I have always hated Bond movies (and I adore the Austin Power movies); not just because I never understood the case for super-hero movies; but also because I find the whole concept of spies passé. Spies and secret agents had their grand days during the cold war period with incidents like the Bulgarian Umbrella incident and the assassinations of members of the Black September Group by Mossad. Of late, intelligence agencies have been consistently humiliated and are only sustained by the nations hope on revival of glorious myths. The CIA had no clue about WMD, 9/11, India’s nuclear blasts or the whereabouts of Osama. The Indian intelligence agencies have no clue about who plans bomb blasts in India and have to be reminded by politicians each time after a blast that the ISI is responsible for the same.

Some of the more exciting opportunities for spies lie not with respect to national security but in the field of corporate and personal espionage. Look at the HP boardroom espionage case, or for that matter hiring of spies by a suspicious wife, husband or father in law. Hmmmmm..spicy… Not only are spies over hyped and passé, so are their gadgets. A Bond in the post 9/11 hyper security era needs to differentiate himself from the ordinary airport security bloke.

Here are my recommendations for gadgets for the next Bond movie; (Gosh, how many novels did this Ian Smith write?):

Parking lot finder: Man, a Bond needs that the first thing
Discount tracker: A device that tells Bond about the cheapest price for any item (ipod) across supermarkets.
Voice responsive tele-voter: Do you recall how difficult it is to vote for the candidates in reality TV shows like Sa Re Ga Ma, Big Boss, etc. wont it be nice if Bond had a gadget to which he could just spell a candidates name and the number of times he wished to vote, and the gadget took care of the rest. Pot hole filler: Please help Mr. Bond do something for the developing world too (other than his tremendous contribution through romancing and pro-creating with third world Bond girls, also someone please let Aishwarya Rai have some role in a Bond film; I have been hearing rumors since she was a kid). Also Mr. Bond’s fancy cars will be slower than an auto-rickshaw in India’s roads.
Egg Peeler: Yes, a Bond must have a gadget that helps peel a boiled egg.
Change handler: Have you ever found it irritating to take the change from a supermarket cashier? I would love Bond to have a gadget that takes everything from the cashier, sorts and puts the cash in one compartment of my purse, the coins in another compartment, and throws away the bill into a dustbin.
Rakhi Sawant prompter: Surely Mr. Bond wouldn't mind a pocket PC type device that provides up to date information on Rakhi Sawants latest moves and quotes.

When will Mr. Bond have all these wizmos; or will Austin Powers beat him to the race?

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